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Mental flab and emotional injuries
22 Oct 2008 9:05PM
Gutted, absolutely gutted. I’ve had to pull out of my November fight and I am gutted… except I’m not. Let me explain.
I’ve pulled myself out of the fight for a number of reasons, the main one being that my shoulder (rotator cuff) has not actually got any better and entering the most intense period of training before a fight (4 weeks out) it was not allowing me to drill, roll or spar in the way I needed to. This inevitably threw up a number of questions – firstly, if I can’t prepare properly should I fight. Secondly, if I can’t even train properly what hope have I got actually fighting? Thirdly, and most importantly, I may have lasted 2 maybe 3 weeks of intense preparation but pulling out due to injury at that point would really upset the promoter. In my book that’s just not cricket. In many ways I like to think I adopted a professional attitude in treating the problem this way, but there is also a nagging doubt in my head that I used it as an excuse. I’ve been injured leading up to every fight I’ve had, but just got on with as most fighters do. So why was this any different?
It was different because as well as being physically unprepared I was mentally unprepared. I’ve mentioned in previous entries that I’ve been having some personal problems and these problems have affected me far more than I’ve given credit to. I’ll give you an example. Last week I had a sparring session which I particularly disliked. At the end of our wrestling session I did two, five minute rounds of MMA sparring with a fresh opponent every minute. I could not for the life of me ‘get into it’. My cardio was good. I scored ok. Subbed or pounded out one or two of them. But, and this is a huge but I wasn’t happy at all. I told Matt and Pep this and they agreed I was not at all on form in comparison to past showings. Matt even commented that “you haven’t seemed yourself for a few weeks.” The thing that bothered me most though was that when I got home and sat on the sofa I put my head in my hands and welled up. I very, very nearly cried… because my sparring was crap. That my friend, is a perfect example of losing perspective. I cried (almost, come on I’m a cage fighter!) about having a bad sparring session. Those are not the actions of a man who is mentally prepared for four weeks of hard preparation and sparring followed by a fight in front of a large audience (TUF contestants excluded).
So despite my physical injury I’m now realising that in fact it is much more the case that I’m emotionally injured at the moment. Sadness, depression call it what you want but I can guarantee that I was not in the right frame of mind to continue my preparation for the fight. I know that for this reason – when I told Pep about my shoulder, what I’d been thinking and that I felt it best to pull out of the fight I felt a great weight come off my shoulders, genuine relief. Not relief at not having to fight, but relief at having something less to worry about for now. The situation had clearly been playing much more on my mind than I thought as work mates have commented this week on what a good mood I’ve been in (since I pulled out). I absolutely intend to fight in the future and ironically by the date of said fight I’ll probably be fine in every respect. In the meantime though, I just don’t have the ‘juice’. Another factor which has revealed itself is how exhausted I was, I’ve done nothing for a week now… nothing. No training, no cardio, no MMA, nada, nowt, zip. But I have still been very, very tired. It’s clear now that I should’ve taken a break a few weeks back but got consumed by the need to prepare ‘properly’. The entry where I talked about lack of motivation should have been a clue really.
I did go through a few days of anxiety thinking that I’d pussied out again and was using my injury as an excuse. But I think I’ve learned a valuable lesson which I hope this entry will allow you to appreciate. Many people in MMA talk about percentages and how such a large part of fighting is mental and the smallest parts are skill and fitness/conditioning. I now understand that your emotional fitness is also very, very important. If your heart isn’t in it, all the skill, cardio and positive thinking in the world won’t pull you through.
I know I made the right decision and feel I did the right thing ‘professionally’. I may be physically and emotionally scarred at the moment but all injuries heal with time and the correct treatment. Fighting is not all about being physically tough. You have to be mentally and emotionally hardened in the right places as well.
It’s just that for now I’ve got a few flabby bits.
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